MY STORY

Read time: 32.6 mins

I was driving on the freeway, having just picked up my son from preschool during my lunch break, to drop him off at my mother-in-law’s and then return to work. I suddenly felt like I was going to pass out. I reached for my son’s water bottle and chugged, hoping that it would keep me conscious long enough to reach my destination. Thankfully we made it, and I collapsed onto the couch continuing to feel these unfamiliar and terrifying waves of sensations pulsating throughout my body. My lower legs and feet started tingling.  

And they never stopped.  That event began a 4+ year health crisis. (see 'The Coveted Symptom List' blog entry 2/25/23)

My first initial visits to the doctors were uneventful. They theorized that I was dealing with a post-viral infection. I was prescribed prednisone for inflammation (even though my tests showed normal levels). I tried to get on with my life but didn’t improve much in those first few weeks. Another consultation introduced the diagnosis of Vestibular Neuritis. We went with that for a while. I went on medical leave from work, and started physical therapy (the first round). The PT found that I had a military neck, and my upper back was so tight that I might as well have been made of metal. I improved a little and tried to get back to normality like my doctor suggested as all tests were coming back clean. I completed the prednisone and PT, and returned back to work the next day.

I lasted only a few hours. I suddenly felt the same wave of fainting sensations but this time, even more intense (I didn’t realize that this was an intense anxiety attack at the time since I never struggled with anxiety before this). I went home and never returned to working in the office for the next couple years.

Went back to the doctor and was prescribed more rest but also to continue to get back to life. Confusing right? On a trip to Costco, all hell broke loose. While walking through the warehouse, I felt like my legs were literally about to collapse, or I was going to faint (again with this fainting thing!). I dashed to the nearest chair and started shaking uncontrollably. I was terrified. I had no idea what was going on. The Costco workers called an ambulance, and while waiting, one of them said “you look like you’re having a panic attack”. I thought I was having a seizure honestly, but in hindsight, she was right. But I HAD NO IDEA. I thought I was dying.

At the ER, after being tested for everything (again), the only thing the doctor could find was a slight UTI. What the hell? Are you serious? I could barely walk and it’s just a UTI?!

I spent the next 6 months in and out of the doctors being tested for everything under the sun. I was wheelchaired everywhere because I could not stand for more than 30 seconds, let alone walk. I completed 5 MRIs (2 head - with and without contrast, 1 neck, 1 thoracic, 1 lumbar), EMG test, a version of tilt table test, etc. Pristine results. The only “weird“ thing that came up was a tiny T2 hyperintensity white matter thingy-thing that is “common in migraine sufferers”, per the report. I do not suffer from migraines so this did not make sense. I would later learn that this is a “normal abnormality”, per Dr. Sarno. The labels that were thrown around during this time were MS, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, POTS, Autoimmune, Dysautonomia, Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, Long COVID (as this was just starting to become a thing), etc. With all tests coming out inconclusive, the neurologist recommended that I take B vitamins and other supplements, as well as 10mg Nortriptyline, a low dose antidepressant, as it *might* help with the tingling. Spoiler alert - I took it for a full year and it did nothing. And the withdrawal symptoms were insane. More on that later.

After the testing and no firm evidence of a structural issue, I did my second round of physical therapy to get stronger. They said I had a weak core. I liked my PT. The first question he asked was “how stressed are you?”. I replied that I was stressed all the time. That should have been my first clue into the mindbody connection. Oh I should mention that through all this time, I was getting worse and worse. I was google-ing everything, and naturally, developing more and more symptoms that I read about. I was at a loss. What the hell was going on? 

PT didn’t work. So I tried acupuncture. Nope. Then I spent the next year going to a chiropractor (my first round) 2x-3x/week. He was a quirky dude who was very confident that he could help me. But in that year, all he managed to do was pop my rib out, which resulted in an extremely painful two weeks to get that rib back into place. I don’t know why I stuck it out with him after that. The silly things we do in pure desperation. In fact, he became so discouraged towards the end of my tenure there that he said “you know, I was able to help this patient with MS get better, but I can’t help you. It’s so odd!” That made me feel great.

Somewhere during this time, my doctor landed on a post-concussion syndrome diagnosis. A few weeks prior to my symptom onset, my family and I were at Disneyland and I mentioned that I became unusually dizzy after a rollercoaster ride. Remember this story, it’ll come up again later. So in following her direction, I signed up for a Post-Concussion Syndrome Recovery Program. That turned out to be a dud. But it was the first time I was introduced to mindfulness. That program touted going on an anti-inflammatory diet so I did. I ate the healthiest I ever had in my life. Yet I did not improve a bit. I eventually ditched the diet and went back to eating burgers and fries, and guess what, I actually felt better eating that than all my ‘clean’ foods. Nothing was making sense. Through this PCS program, I also started taking a buttload of supplements. I ended up ditching the program after a few months.

Through the chiropractor, I was introduced to a practitioner who did a special massage technique called Emmett.  She learned the technique after being diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease, and went on her own recovery journey. She was inspiring. I started seeing her privately at her home for sessions but, nope, I didn’t really improve. Discouraged, I moved on.

Then I came upon this “cutting edge” therapy called P-DTR - Proprioceptive Deep Tendon Reflex. Gotta love the SF Bay Area with their unique therapies. Oh I forgot to mention that at this point, my little sister had moved in to help care for me and my kids. She took care of chores, meals, and transportation. She was driving me everywhere, bless her heart. Back to P-DTR. I found a practitioner that was a 40-min drive one way, and started seeing her. How can I describe this therapy… it was odd. It involved a series of muscle testing, toothpicks, and metal objects. After 6-weeks, considering the cost, commute, oddities, and no progress, I quit.

I moved on to an atlas orthogonal chiropractor in that same city. Again, another long commute. Reading this back, I can’t believe I dragged my sister along to these shenanigans. He incorporated P-DTR into his practice, but he knew other therapies also. He was like a therapy collector. His wall was filled with all kinds of certifications in unique healing modalities. I thought he was my answer. Instead, he turned out to be an accumulation of all previous therapies rolled into one. I was back to taking a crap-ton of supplements, getting adjusted and massaged, P-DTR’d, and advised on diet. And he was very expensive. Nice and super interesting guy but after 6 weeks, I was done.

Somehow I came across my first mindbody-related video on YouTube at this time. The woman was a bit woo-woo but what she was saying made sense, kinda. I decided to try to get on with my life. Also, I know that I sound a bit nonchalant while typing this out but you should know that throughout this entire time, I was in utter despair. These were dark days. I felt so hopeless. The yo-yo-ing around with different therapies, feeling minor improvements, only to crash again was horrendous. The wanting so badly to be normal and go out, take care of my kids, keep up with the house, oh it was awful. So discovering the mindbody connection for the first time gave me a little hope. I tried a little harder to do normal things.

Soon after I finished my Nortriptyline stint, we went on a family vacation to Monterrey. I was so happy to be done with a drug that I didn’t even want to be on in the first place. I figured it would be good to just get out, and I could take it easy and just sit. I soon found out that this is easier said than done when you are going through drug withdrawal! I felt HORRIBLE x10! I thought I was dying. At one point, my already weak and numb legs literally lost all feeling! This was SO SCARY. My brain was trying to walk but my legs were not there. My husband had to carry me back to the hotel room, and I laid on the bed for a few hours. In googling more mindbody resources, I found a list of symptoms and what they could mean emotionally. The list said something like weakness being tied to being so angry that you literally can’t stand it. And I kid you not, I started to gain a little feeling back in my legs right then and there. I thought hmmm, now that’s something.

A few months later, I finally found TMS and Dr. Sarno. If you are on my page, I am going to assume that you already know all about Tension Myoneural Syndrome. If you don’t, look it up. This is the only term that I am okay with you googling. In a nutshell, it is the theory that your symptoms are being caused by chronic stress and overwhelming MASSIVE emotions at the subconscious level (particularly rage), and a scared activated brain. A nervous system stuck in fight-or-flight. I devoured Sarno’s books and other TMS books, and started watching TMS videos on YouTube. Then I started to integrate the TMS teachings in my life. The first thing I did was go on a big family vacation to Hawaii. My husband and I have big families, and both groups were there during our 2-week trip. The itinerary was packed and it was pretty physically extraneous, especially for me who had been relatively housebound for a year and half prior up until that point. And honestly, I kicked butt. I was very symptomatic, but I pushed through the symptoms and had a good time considering how grueling it was. There were times when the symptoms were overwhelming, but I applied the TMS knowledge, and survived. I thought this was it. I was going to get better.

Not yet.

Shortly after we got back from that trip, I discovered that I was pregnant with my 3rd child. In fact, based on my cycle, I was already pregnant in Hawaii and didn’t know. That made me feel even stronger, honestly. I was bewildered at what this pregnancy would be like. My first two pregnancies were relatively uneventful. And actually, I had the ‘textbook perfect’ pregnancy with my second. His pregnancy and labor and delivery were almost too easy. Both of my boys weighed healthily at 9 lbs and 8 lbs, respectively. I honestly thought that this pregnancy was going to expedite my full recovery. I consulted a few TMS experts and they all agreed that pregnancy does not change protocols. Resume life as usual. So I did. My sister moved out, and I was handling taking care of my kids again, working full-time remotely, driving a little, etc. Looking back, I don’t know how I did that because I was still very symptomatic - and now pregnant! I pushed and pushed and pushed. Every OB appointment was scary as I was experiencing PTSD from my previous experiences, and my blood pressure was starting to climb. 

Then at 8 months, all hell broke loose. Again.

One morning, I was getting my son ready for the day and I experienced my first ever ocular migraine. I hope you never experience this. It was so, so scary. And then my left hand started tingling violently and swelling. I thought I was having a stroke. I remained calm until this episode subsided because of all the TMS work, but decided to call the advice nurse who told me to go straight to L&D. My mother-in-law dropped me off, and they admitted me for monitoring. Long story short, I ended up getting into an ambulance to be transferred to a high-risk L&D hospital over an hour away, to give birth to my daughter 6 weeks early. My blood pressure was too high, accompanied by severe vision issues and other unexplainable symptoms. They slapped me with a ‘severe preeclampsia’ diagnosis, even though they admitted that my symptoms were not behaving like textbook preeclampsia. But for safety reasons, we needed to proceed as such.

This was my rock bottom. I could not have ever known that it was going to get to this level. 

My symptoms throughout our hospital stay prior to delivery were crazy. This was the sickest I ever felt. But I kept thinking about TMS, and safety, and staying calm. My baby girl’s heart rate was so strong and healthy throughout the whole ordeal - THANK GOD! I was induced and gave birth to the most precious little baby girl. She came out at 5 lbs 8 oz, which was big for her gestation. If she had stayed in there to full-term, she probably would have been big like her brothers. Of course, I had many complications after the birth. I had a partial hemorrhage and needed a D&C, on top of exertion, another wild ocular migraine episode that concerned the post-delivery nurse, and then some. Additionally, my husband and I had to stay in a nearby hotel and trek back and forth to the NICU where my daughter stayed for 2 weeks. I was back in a wheelchair. I was a hot mess, and it felt like any progress I made on my TMS journey up until that point was completely gone and I was in worse shape. On top of this, my two boys were bewildered because their parents just up and left for 3 weeks, and while we were away from them, they (and our extended family who took care of them) all came down with COVID while we were in the hospital. It was a wild time. God, and pure grit, were the biggest reasons we all got through it.  

Extremely discouraged and now with a new, tiny baby to care for, I booked a call with a TMS expert. I thought that maybe by talking to him personally, I might glean something that would move recovery along. I was still chasing that quick fix, lightbulb moment that some TMSers experience. I took some nuggets of wisdom away from the call but really did not improve all that much. But I had to keep going. There was no way my life was going to stay like this. So I kept pushing. Then resting. Then falling into deep despair. Breastfeeding. Wallowing. Pushing. It was a vicious, awful cycle, and I was STUCK.

Fast forward a few months, and after attending a dinner party at church, trying to act like I was okay, I had HAD IT. I was DONE with these symptoms. ENOUGH, I thought. So I finally hired a wonderful, amazing mindbody coach who was the perfect fit for me. Shortly after starting to work with her and her tools, it was like the scales fell from my eyes. 

I WAS THE PROBLEM. BUT IT WASN'T MY FAULT.

She helped me see that my brain was ADDICTED to generating an obscene amount of unnecessary stress chemicals because of my thought processes. My brain was SCARED TO DEATH of life. It was perceiving danger EVERYWHERE. My nervous system thought that it was under attack, being chased by a tiger 24/7 because of negative beliefs like “I am not good enough”, “everyone hates me”, “everyone will leave me”, “if I don’t do this or act this way or take care of this person’s needs instead of my own, then I am unlovable” - and this was all unbeknownst to me!  I had NO IDEA that this had been my programming for my entire life.

It was as if everything that I had learned and experienced up until that point made total sense. Remember that Disneyland trip I mentioned earlier? What I did not tell the doctor was that prior to feeling unusually dizzy after the rollercoaster ride, I experienced an incredibly stressful bathroom situation with my (then) 4-year old son, in which my overreaction reminded me of traumatic confrontations I had with my mom at that age. My childhood traumas were a big reason behind my perfectionism, people pleasing, goodist personality traits, and why I had painful relationship issues with people, particularly my husband and mom. I never gave myself space to feel and process my hurts and wounds in a real way. Instead, I buried them with fake bandaids that made me feel good at the surface level. I mean, who doesn’t like to feel like they are high achieving and high performing right? I now see that these were all coping mechanisms for my DEEP rage, resentment, grief, guilt, and shame around not having my needs met as a child. I was abused by my mom in every way, bullied by unassuming relatives, my dad was an alcoholic and drug abuser who was in and out of jail - I mean, c’mon! How could I NOT be violently upset by these things?! And then in my adolescense, I started attending church and was trying so hard to be this good and perfect Christian, wife, mom, employee, friend but DID NOT truly understand or know how to receive God’s unconditional love. 

Because here’s the thing. A true repentant heart means changed behavior. I was trying to ACT like I was a different person. But the truth is, I was still living life through a negative and harmful lens, and this was showing up in my body, relationships, and life. Enter the mindbody connection. Once I could see where I had been going at it totally wrong and began changing the negative programming in my brain, things started to shift.

After I completed that container with my wonderful coach, the fervor to dive deeper into the inner workings of my subconscious brain was becoming too potent to ignore. Though I was understanding myself in a newer light, I still had many unanswered questions and far more to explore. Working with my first coach was the impetus needed to start doing the deeper healing work that God needed me to do in order to enter the Ephesians 3:20 season of my life. I’m talking, the screaming, crying, stunning kick-in-the-gut-in-the-best-way mind & heart work.

Enter the MindChange Method. (& their Christian track, the Metanoia Method ((Greek for MindChange)) for those who want to ensure that this practice is aligned with the Word of God - like me). 

Coincidentally, or maybe not so coincidentally since I don’t believe in coincidences anymore, I had a physical copy of the Metanoia Method book in my hospital bag when I delivered my baby girl. Who would have known that more than a year later, I would participate in multiple sessions with a skilled MindChange practitioner, enroll in the course, & be a part of their wonderful student community of other curious souls who are on the same quest of gently cleaning up our pasts and outworn subconscious programming in order be our truest and highest selves. I’m aware that this sounds a bit woo. But let me tell you, it is far easier to receive the fullness that life has to offer & start to live out your purpose when you are free from known and unknown baggage. MindChange is all about getting to the root because the idea is that once you rewire and resolve the root issue (& for me, it was ancestral!), the effects of this will cascade like a domino effect, compounding towards more wholeness and wellness with less willpower. Because like a computer, if you change the software of the brain, the results change automatically. The MindChange Method is unique, especially if it is one of the first mindbody modalities you’re trying. I say, look into it! It’s a deep dive into your psyche & emotional makeup, and you’ll be AMAZED at what things are unearthed. 

Being part of the MindChange/Metanoia community for almost a year now has made me realize even deeper that I was coming at this healing journey with a slightly wrong perspective. I still expected the modality to fix me. But the truth is transformation takes time. Don’t get me wrong, it can absolutely happen fast! Spontaneous healings exist. And if you look back at your own life, I’m sure you can detect a time when you’ve experienced or witnessed a spontaneous miracle, be it big or small. But the whole point that Dr. Sarno was trying to make, that all of the mindbody practitioners and gurus are trying to make is that YOU ARE NOT BROKEN & THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. Healing and transforming are not end goals. They’re part of the life process. You are healing everyday, even in the smallest of ways. That’s why there are so many tools and modalities to choose from. Each tool works until it doesn’t. Each modality is groundbreaking until it becomes habitual. You are never stuck, even when it feels like it. Stuckness is an invitation to make a new move, which will then grow into more moves, until before you know it, you’re exactly where you’ve always wanted to be. And then you’ll strive for more even after that because why not?

Sometimes you have to slow down to speed up. That’s the gift of chronic illness. It’s a springboard, a purge, a chance to rebuild your life into one that you want to live - and live in the full. 

So now, it may not be noticeable to anyone on the outside, but I have profoundly transformed on the inside. I have softened. I have been humbled. I know how to be unconditionally loving to myself and others. My relationships have transformed. My kids have a more relaxed, playful, and present mom. I feel better, stronger, and wiser everyday. There is an abundance of peace and joy in my life, and I recognize my resilience in a new way. 

A lot of TMS experts say that TMS is a gift. I agree. Is it tough as hell? 100%. 

But when you allow it to teach you lessons that you need to learn, it is so worth the struggle.

You got this. Keep going.

And if you need support, please reach out. I have learned and grown SO MUCH on this physical, emotional, and spiritual bootcamp of a journey, and my heart's desire is to come alongside you, support, guide, and empower you to reacquaint yourself with the person you were carefully and lovingly created to be.

Much love,

Lianne

PS - Remember that horrendous Disneyland trip that I mentioned earlier? It was the last trip I took before my health crashed a few weeks later. As I’ve recovered, I’ve gone on multiple trips - San Diego, Las Vegas, Lake Tahoe snow trips, Santa Cruz, LA - but I never thought I’d be back at the Disneyland parks anytime soon.

And yet, below is a picture of my family on a recent trip. It was baby girl’s first time in the parks. We parkhopped between both Disneyland & California Adventure from open to midnight. And we did this just a day after my sister’s destination wedding where I was a Matron of Honor, performed an ensemble dance number, and group singing number with my guitar. Yup, the same sister who lived with and cared for us for two years. Was I symptom free during this trip? No. But did it matter? No! Because I had a blast! I felt so much love, joy, elation, and gratitude for how far I’ve come. It was a full circle moment and a closing of a very challenging chapter.

Your current circumstances can change, my friend. Everything is temporary. And the only call to action is to keep going. Keep trying. Keep doing the hard things.

Be brave. Be patient. Be relentless. Be you.

last updated 04/2024